Journey Into Grief
A Message Of Hope by Allie Zelinski © Ethans House Inc. 1997-1999 - Adapted by Monika Hedglin Used by Permission
Grief is a life long and difficult road filled with so many lessons to be learned. I want to share some of the lessons I have learned over the past three years. In the hopes of maybe helping others to know what to expect but also to show you your feelings are every bit as normal as the next guy and you are not alone.
Through Grief our love and compassion deepens. Not only for the child we just buried but for those around us as well. One of my favorite sayings is:
"YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU HOLD IN YOUR HEART"
Your love and your compassion are so much stronger then you ever thought possible. It openness your eyes to the world around you, to the pain of others.
We learn patience because being patient is the only thing we can do ... be patient and wait for the Lord to decide when it is time for us to be reunited with our loved ones.
Grief is one of the hardest feelings you will ever deal with. I always believed that death was a part of life. We live and learn and then we die and live once again through the Eternal Life granted to us by our Heavenly Father.
When you face the death of your child, all those beliefs fly out the window, you're left feeling empty and lost, wondering what you did wrong, what could you or should you have done. You wonder where is my child ... how can he just be gone. What happened to our future, what now lies ahead.
Suddenly everything you had planned for the future is gone... The door has been slammed shut, padlocked, deadbolted and you are forced to being again to start life all over. Out of the anger that comes with the grief you learn forgiveness. Out of the pain of grief you learn compassion for others. Out of the emptiness of grief you learn to love more deeply and unconditionally.
The Grief Journey will never end. It is with you forever. This is your new role in life. You will never be the same person again. You cannot be and it cannot end. You have lost a part of you in losing your child. This bond can never be broken. The bond between a mother and her child transcends all time and space. It cannot be broken.
The Invisible Cord
We are connected, my child and I by an invisible cord Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord That connected us 'til birth. This cord can't be seen by anyone on earth.
This cord does its work right from the start. It bonds us together. Attached at the heart.
I know that it's there. Though no one can see The invisible cord from my child to me.
The strength of this cord, It's hard to describe, It can't be destroyed. It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord man could create, It withstands the test, Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone, Though you're not here with me, The cord is still there, But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart. I am bruised. I am sore. But this cord is my lifeline as never before.
I am thankful that God connects us this way, A mother and child Death cannot take it away!
There is no recovery from grief. There is only learning to accept this new role and begin again. The end of grief cannot be found at the bottom of a bottle. You can't drink it away and you can't sleep it away. It is not found at the end of a journey away from home. It follows right along with you, wherever you go. You can run from it but you can't hide from it. It's not found in the room full of people who grow silent when you enter the room. It is not found in those that quickly change the subject when you mention your child.
Please remember these few things when you are faced with a friend struggling with Grief.
Please don't say "how do you survive, if it was me I would not survive" ... We survive only because we are still breathing. If we had a choice we would not survive. In the beginning each and everyone of us will ask God to please take the very breath we breathe. Just please don't take my child. Every single night as we lay our weary body down, we pray for that blessed sleep that will release us from this nightmare. For in our dreams we are with our child once again. We ask the Lord above to bring us home, please don't let the sun rise again. But every morning we are greeted by a new sunrise. It pushes and prods 'til we are awakened from this restless sleep. Another day is beginning, another day with the reminder that part of our family is missing.
Tears... Tears are healing. ...Please don't ask us to dry our tears ...Just hold our hand, tell us you are there to share our pain, give us a hug, give us a tissue, just let us cry. The tears bring healing. Please don't ask us to stop.
Memories... Please don't change the subject when we speak of our child or shush us when we want to remember them... memories are all we have left now. You share the memories of your child from days gone by, why can't I? My child is still my child, I am still his Mother. Your child lives in another town or is away at college, but he/she is still your child, you are still their Mother... My child lives in heaven, but he is still my child, and I am still his Mother.
"YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU HOLD IN YOUR HEART!"
The Mask... Please don't force us to wear our Mask... We smile at parties and family get-togethers... behind this mask our hearts are breaking and the tears are silently falling. We grieve for the empty place at the table. Family pictures are so very hard. your family is complete, ours is not so. Please be patient with us and try to understand when we are hesitant to join in. We understand you're uncomfortable around us... you fear you'll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and our tears will begin... But do you realize this is the very thing that hurts us so deeply... to us you have forgotten what we hold most dear... It's as if they were never here!
We, too, are uncomfortable. That is why we wear our mask, so you cannot see the tears or the pain when you look at us. We are the reminder.. it could have been you...
"THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I"
Please know we ask God everyday to protect you and those you love from ever knowing this kind of pain. Through our grief many of us will turn our pain towards causes... some of us will fight for victim's rights, some will fight for laws that will protect your children. It is too late for ours... some will fight for Justice, their child's death is so senseless, their death need not be in vain. Others will fight against road rage, drunk drivers, child abuse, the list goes on and on... Some fight for organ donation, to give life. Through organ donation you can save many lives... your child's organs could save a life... many lives.
"PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR ORGANS TO HEAVEN GOD KNOWS WE NEED THEM HERE'
Please don't judge us loud and obnoxious, don't refer to us as crazy... We are not up on a soap box. We are fighting to make this a safer world for you and your children so that you may never have to live with this grief. We hope our child's story and their brief life can make a difference...
Please don't try to comfort us with... have another child you will forget all about this one... which one of yours would you like to replace? Please don't ask us to not think about it, it is with us all the time.
Emptying their room, giving away all their belongings, wiping out every trace of them is not the answer either. So please don't say it... you see the real truth is:
"YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU HOLD IN YOUR HEART"
JUDGE NOT
When our children die, we are reborn. Just as they leave the warmth and comfort of their fluid home to the harsh reality of cold, lights, and noise, we, too, are reborn into a cruel world. When our children die, we lose our innocence, no more do we believe that our children can outlive us, take care of us, that we can walk at their weddings or hold THEIR children.
We are reborn into a world of chronic sorrow, pain surrounding us, knowing that pain will continue for the remainder of our lives. We cringe in the dark, imagining, feeling, knowing, all the pain of the world and the ugly possibilities our children must face, if they live. We know, as no one else does, this awful reality, this is truly the hell God speaks of We are judged, too. Judged for many aspects of our grieving. The non-bereaved judge our grief work, not understanding that it IS work, that we must go through it with no choice, no map or plan, no hope but to continue.
Disabled children and adults know this pain from their birth. Discriminated against for their movement, speech, and supposed lack of intelligence, they become embittered and hardened to what life can hold, just as bereaved parents do.
They, too, know the senselessness of thoughtless comments and asides, sideways glances and backs turned to them. Excluded, pushed aside, just as the feelings of the bereaved are. Together, both the disabled and the bereaved have a common bond; they know the stigma of their realities, the pain of societal insignificance, of ignorance.
The parents of disabled children who die get another blow. Not only do they get the well-meaning and well-intentioned comments that all the bereaved do, but they add to that comments such as, "He/She is better off now", "He doesn't hurt anymore", "She can walk in Heaven". This offers no solace, their children are still dead, gone. The hours and days and years they spent caring for that child, with their needs being the focus of their entire life, is suddenly gone, ripped from them, leaving a hole as big as hell itself, the same hole all the bereaved must deal with daily.
There are commonalties among any group of people... finding the common ground, working together, and educating family, neighborhoods, cities, and eventually society, in true understanding and nondiscrimination, then they might finally see the world as God intended... a whole place for all peoples, all groups, to support, care, and nurture each other instead of judging the road each must travel.
Until that happens, we continue to hide... meeting in churches, libraries, on the internet, educating as we can, trying for a third rebirth, one of dawning into a new world of acceptance, of helping, and drawing together to make a stronger meld than before. The disabled, too, strive for this, and do so all of their lives. We say to the non-bereaved, "But for the grace of God goes YOU" ...and so, too, but for the grace of God, go WE.
We do not have the right to compare losses. There are many different types of grief and not just for the loss of a child, aunt, or mother. There is the loss of time, for parents forced to work, unable to spend precious time with their children; there is the loss of an arm, leg, or eye; the loss of a parent through divorce; the loss of a living child to a custodial parent or agency.
The King James Bible says, "Judge not, lest you be judged." Not one of us has the right to decide another's grief work, we do not want to do the very thing the non-bereaved so often do to us. Judge not!
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