Mending Broken Pieces © 2000
How to help others by offering
the ministry of presence...
by Sherry Sharon
You have just lost a friend or loved one in a car crash. You find yourself feeling totally helpless when it comes to knowing what to say or what to do. Let me assure you, this is normal. So how do you communicate comfort and compassion in times of crisis and loss?
One of the worst things you can do, is to do nothing. A person is already experiencing extreme loneliness and confusion. For you to avoid them only adds to their pain and bewilderment.
There are some very practical things you can do and ways you can help; thus the reason for this "how to" guide to Mending Broken Pieces.
Be a good listener...
The scripture says to "Bear ye one another's burdens.." (Galatians 6:2) You do not have to "say" anything. The greatest gift you can offer your friend or loved one is the "ministry of presence." Offer them loving arms, a shoulder to cry on, a place to feel secure. Be there to listen. Resist the temptation to give advice.
The following was written by Joseph Bayly after he laid three of his sons in the grave:
He Listened
by Joseph Bayly
"I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God's dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly, he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved except to wish he'd go away. He finally did.
"Another came and sat beside me. He just sat beside me for an hour or more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go."
Give them a hug, or at least place a hand on their shoulder, if they will allow you to do so. Allow them to let the tears flow. This is a good thing.
Allow the survivor to do the talking. Face the person, nod your head, remain silent while they are speaking.
Use the name of the deceased in the conversation. Resist the temptation to say, "I know how you feel." When they are finished speaking, respond with... "I don't know how you feel, but I care that it hurts..." or "I'd like to know more about what that's like for you." or "I'm curious about how you felt and what you did when..." or "Tell me about it..." or "I'm interested in knowing more about that..." or "I see..." etc.
Never say "Well, if you think you have it bad..." or "No one ever said life was fair." or "There are people out there a lot worse off than you." or "Well, it's been 3 months, aren't you over this yet?" or "You must not have prayed right, you must have done something for God to take your loved one." or "I have been so busy with the holidays, I had so much to do, so many errands to run, then your husband died..." (This hurts and makes the person feel they are interrupting your life and that they are just an inconvenience to you).
Never say "You'll be a better person because of it." or "They were spared something much worse on down the line." or "It is because you sinned against God." or "It's time you snap out of this." or "It's your own fault." or "Just wait a few weeks, it will be over soon." (It's not over, read "Forever Changed" on Compassion Connection). or "You need to pull yourself together." or "Hang in there, this will pass." or "We all have a cross to bear". or "God didn't turn away from you, you turned away from God."
Immediate needs...
If the death has just taken place, offer to stay in their home while they go to the funeral home to make arrangements. If you are in the home to answer the telephone, receive visitors and/or food, look around to see what needs to be done. Perhaps you could wash a few dishes, make a jug of tea, put on a pot of coffee, load the dishwasher, dust, vacuum, clean the bathroom, put out extra toilet tissue. Maybe the beds needs to be stripped, towels may need to be washed, especially if they will have out-of-town guests arriving. Perhaps you could do some laundry or take some laundry home with you.
A word of caution here: one dear friend said there are people who want to go in and get rid of the belongings of the deceased. Don't just go in and do that without asking. Some choose to close off the room that has the deceased's belongings because a time will come when the survivor can deal with this later. When the time comes when the survivor goes through the deceased things, it will be a good as well as a difficult experience as they relive each memory. But there can be healing in putting away the deceased's belongings when the survivor is ready to put them away. Allow them that privilege, don't be presumptuous and rip this opportunity for closure out of their heart by taking over in this delicate area.
Offer to "house sit" and answer the telephone, during the services when people may be dropping off food, etc. It would be very helpful to the family if you keep a written record of who called, who brought what food, who performed what task, etc. This proves very beneficial when the family wants to acknowledge an individual's thoughtfulness.
In the case of a serious traffic accident where multiple deaths and/or injuries may have occurred, offer to sit with the loved one who is a patient in the hospital while the family attends the funeral of the others.
The temptation is to say,"If there's anything I can do, please let me know." The bereaved is too overwhelmed to think about ways in which you could help. And, they are usually too emotionally exhausted to pick up the telephone to ask.
When dropping off food it is always good to let them know you will return to pick up the empty dish(es), if they are not in disposable containers. Make sure your name is on your container. It is an overwhelming task for the survivor to face the challenge of returning all those empty containers. If those who have brought dishes happen to be from the same church, offer to return the empty dishes to that church for the survivor.
A nice contribution, appreciated at this time, would be a sack of paper products. For instance, paper plates, cups, napkins, plastic dinnerware, trash bags, extra toilet tissue, paper towels, zip lock bags, box of Kleenex, etc. If you use it, they no doubt need it. It saves on having to do a lot of extra dishes during this difficult time.
If the survivor does not have a coffee maker, perhaps offer yours, and then make a pot of coffee for them. Check to see if they need a can of coffee. Fill their sugar bowl, creamer, salt and pepper shakers. Perhaps they could use a sack of ice, bottles of soda, jug of iced tea. See if they have plenty of butter/margarine, condiments, bread, lunch meat, a bag of chips & dip. A fruit basket is a welcomed gift as well as cookies for the children, depending upon their dietary restrictions.
If there are small children in the home check to see if their shoes need attention. If there are shoes that need to be shined, assign someone that task or do it for them in time for the funeral. If there are sneakers that need to be washed, do that for them. Offer to baby-sit for babies or very small toddlers during the funeral. Check to see if a suit needs to be taken to/picked up from the cleaners in time for the funeral. Check to see if an appointment needs to be made at the beauty shop. Then offer to take the survivor to their appointment.
Outdoor & animal needs...
Check to see if the grass needs to be cut or the porch/sidewalk swept, if flowers need to be watered or shrubs need to be trimmed. In the Fall the leaves may need to be raked. In the Winter there may be the need to shovel snow. Check to see if animals need to be fed, especially farm animals.
One morning on his way home from work one young Daddy in our congregation was killed in a head-on collision. He raised hogs and his young wife and small children were left with the added responsibility of caring for the hogs. One of the Elders in our church went out, and with her permission, rounded up the hogs and took them to a sale barn for her. That is Christian love in action and I will never forget it. "Inasmuch as ye have done this unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."
Financial needs...
If it is a family in financial need, perhaps you could let their church family know. In case of a tragedy, set up a fund at your local bank, put out canisters in local businesses. Or maybe let someone know if the survivor's car needs serviced, filled with gas, run through the car wash, etc. Perhaps a student who is away at college needs a ticket home or gas in the car to be able to attend the funeral. Oftentimes there is a local Ministerial Alliance that could help. There are energy assistance programs available, etc.
Fitting memorial...
My Dad passed away when I was only seven years old. My Mom was left as a young wife in her twenties with three small children to raise. I can still remember my Mom commenting on the money that was wasted on flowers that ended up tossed on the grave. Maybe a memorial or college fund needs to be started to help small children of the deceased. Perhaps the family has set aside a memorial fund in lieu of flowers to be given to a cause that had special meaning to the deceased. For example, the American Cancer Society, a scholarship fund, a memorial to a senior center where the deceased attended, Gideon Bibles, etc. (The funeral home will have this information.)
When my sister's little boy died of Leukemia, she planted a Magnolia tree in his memory. One day on the way to work she remarked to her husband, "Look at all the blossoms on that tree. I bet by the time we get home, they will be in bloom." Seventeen years had passed since David's homegoing. When they returned home from work that day, she counted the blossoms on the tree and there were seventeen. This kind of memorial can bring you joy for years to come.
Say it with flowers...
If you really want to send fresh flowers, consider waiting a few weeks and when everyone has gone home, and the time comes when the survivor goes to the mailbox and there is no longer any mail, then send the fresh flower arrangement to let them know you haven't forgotten them.
If you feel you must send flowers, consider a nice house plant that can be enjoyed longer. Please note, however, what may be a joy to one, can become an added burden to others.
One mother, who found herself in a daze just after losing her teenage son, told me she became very angry at having to water all the plants that were sent following her son's tragic accident.
You've got mail...
You might hold off sending your sympathy card until a week or so later for the same reason. Enclose some postage stamps in your card. Offer to help the survivor write thank you notes.
Include in a note card an "I remember when..." story you remember about the deceased and what that individual meant to you. The survivor loves to read about the deceased, especially something funny they may have said or done, some way in which the deceased may have helped you, etc. And be sure to use the name of the deceased.
Some great scripture references to include in your card:
"He healeth the broken in heart and bindeth up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3); "He bottles our every tear; He remembers our every sigh." (Psalm 56:8) "Weeping my endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning."; "Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee, yea; I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." (Isaiah 41:10). He promises "...to comfort all the mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.." (Isaiah 61) "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)
Check Compassion Connection for other pages that contain gobs of comfort scriptures: http://www.compassionconnection.org
Children grieve too...
Children are curious about what is happening during this time of upheaval. Let them ask questions. Don't lie to them. The child may be blaming themselves for the death of their parent. For guidance read Dr. Alan Wolfelt's article on talking to children. Go to http://www.compassionconnection.org Compassion Connection's Compassionate Link's page and double click on "Center for Life and Loss Transition" and other sites dedicated to helping children through their time of grief. Don't ever forget, children grieve too.
Survivor benefits...
During this time of emotional upheaval important financial arrangements need to be made. This is where you can help the person "stay on track". Encourage them to collect important papers such as death certificate (they will need multiple copies), birth certificates, will, insurance policies, marriage certificate, discharge papers, social security numbers, title to the car, safe deposit information, etc.
The survivor may be entitled to Veterans' benefits, pension benefits, social security benefits, life insurance and/or accident insurance benefits. Offer to take them to their lawyer or financial advisor.
Things we take for granted...
The survivor may not know how to balance a checkbook, do a load of laundry, cook a meal, service or put gas in their car. Offer to help in these areas.
Firsts and favorite places...
One of the most difficult moments for the survivor is their first time going back to a place that had special meaning to both of them, like a favorite place to shop (read Compassion Connection's Rudy's Angel), their favorite restaurant, etc. Especially going to church.
I know of one lady who lost her husband. On her first trip back to church she didn't make it out of her car in the church parking lot. The second time she made it part way up the steps to the church but just couldn't go in. The next time she got inside but couldn't quite make it through the whole service. This is normal.
Resist the temptation to "bombard" the bereaved when they walk into a service the first time. Just give them a hug. They are trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Allow them to be seated in the back of the room, if they choose to, in case they feel the need to leave or go to the restroom. Allow them to let the tears flow without judgment or embarrassment. This is a good thing.
Be sensitive to their continuing hurt. Just because they may be able to manage a smile, doesn't mean they are "over it". Weeks following their loss they may still need assistance. At this time acknowledge that you know they are still hurting and you are there to give them the ministry of presence.
In fact the whole year is going to confront them with a "first time" for everything - first birthday/anniversary without their loved one, first New Year's Eve, first Valentine's Day, first Easter, first 4th of July, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, etc. It is ok to ask them how they are getting along now.
Holidays and special occasions...
Valentine's Day is a good time to send the survivor a bouquet of flowers to let them know you haven't forgotten them or the deceased.
Invite the bereaved to have Thanksgiving dinner with you. Allow them to take part in the final preparations once they arrive.
If the survivor was part of a club or ladies fellowship at church, prepare a Basket of Compassion. Let each member wrap a small gift for the survivor that can be opened on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. If there are enough packages, you could ask the survivor to open one package a day until Christmas, like the "Twelve Days of Christmas," etc.
Remember the children at Christmas time. One Christmas Eve, when we were in Bible College and had no money, there was a knock on our door. When we went to answer the door no one was there. As I looked down there was a large Christmas box full of Christmas packages for our children. Oh how much they were needed and appreciated.
Through the year offer to take the survivor's children on a picnic, fishing, to the park, to play ball or to a movie. Little boys, especially, need a male influence in their lives. This is when a church group or a coach of a ball team can help. Offer to help children decorate a treasure box of memories where they can store pictures and special mementos of the deceased.
Be alert to a child's needs. I will never forget when my girls were ages 5 and 8. We didn't have an extra dime to spend. My daughter lost her tooth. When we went to church the next morning one of the ushers who greeted us, asked my daughter if a dime had been left under her pillow (this was years ago when a dime was appropriate). I was standing behind her and I shook my head no. When she answered no, this usher said, "You know why? Because something was left in my pocket for you." And he reached into his pocket and pulled out a dime and gave it to her. I wish you could have seen her eyes light up. He'll never know what a blessing that was to us. You see, God can use you to meet the smallest need.
Should I give advice...
Resist the temptation to give advice. If the survivor is feeling pressured to move in with children, sell their home, quit a job, make a change in geographical location, share with them creative alternatives that others have tried to help them make these major decisions. For instance, taking a leave of absence instead of quitting a job; going for an extended visit with their children before deciding to move in with them; taking an extended vacation in another state to see if they can tolerate the climate change before moving there; renting or leasing their home before selling it.
If a person is afraid to spend the night alone, offer to stay a night or two with them. I know of one lady who refused to stay home alone at night. She would stay at home during the day but spend every night at her children's home. The last I knew her son started drinking and it resulted in a broken marriage. Perhaps the person who is afraid to stay alone could rent out a room in their home, take in an exchange student, get a good watch dog, or move into residential care or retirement complex where there are not totally alone.
Grandparents grieve too...
The day after the funeral can be a terrible time for the survivors. Especially if everyone has returned home. Especially in the night hours and the wee hours of the morning.
Grandparents hurt too. I am grateful to a very dear friend who had the courage to share her pain and hurt with me. She lost a grandchild under circumstances that "were under investigation". The curiosity seekers and talebearers were at her doorstep, people that ignored her the rest of the time were there "under false pretense" asking questions and then twisting the truth as they passed it on to others.
The people who ministered to her the most were friends who just came by and sat with her out on the deck, who talked about happy times or just sat with her when she didn't want to talk. And when she wanted to talk, those that let her talk, friends she knew she could trust to not twist the truth. Those that were not judgmental or suspicious. She needed to talk about this beautiful baby and NOT have the conversation suddenly change.
She shared that it was so hard when people would ask, "How are you? You say fine when you really don't mean it", she said. Then one day she found the courage to look one in the eye and say, "Do you really want to know?" And then she said, "____ no, I'm not okay." She said they both laughed and that broke the ice for her to communicate her need.
She said, "It's okay not to have all the answers, not to know what to say, just say so and give us a hug, just be there." Never, ever say, "Your faith must not have been strong enough, you must not have prayed right, you must have done something for God to take him."
She said the day after the funeral was terrible. They were so lonely and alone, so lost that day. She said it was as if she and her husband lost their minds and didn't even know how to prepare a meal that next day. She said maybe the day after is a good time to go in, sit, have coffee, do the laundry, help with the kids, cook a meal, take a casserole, a vegetable tray, a meat and cheese tray or a dessert.
It was not getting a card or some more flowers. For her, the "human touch" was what she needed. She said people who knew their hearts were broken and hurting from the loss of their grandchild, people who cared, were the ones that ministered to her the most.
She said they were not ready to just move on with their lives as everyone else was. They still needed to feel loved. They were still grieving, still looking for answers and in their situation there were still many rough days ahead. And many years later it is still very painful. NEVER EVER say, "well it's been three months (or a year), aren't you over this yet!" Trust me, you are forever changed!
As time goes on...
As the survivor gets further into their loss, there are other things you can do to encourage your friend and/or loved one to feel better.
Encourage them to keep a journal - ask them to spend 15 minutes a day recording their thoughts and feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly. Or they could record their memoirs, the "I remember when...."
Encourage them to read a book that will comfort and inspire them such as "Laugh Again" by Charles R. Swindoll; The "Book of Psalms" in the Bible, "A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance" published by Aid Association for Lutherans, "Life After Loss" by Bob Deits.
If the survivor doesn't already have small children in the home, encourage the survivor to spend a day with a child, a child's innocence will refresh and renew the widowed person.
Invite the survivor to soak up some sunshine, go fishing, play golf, go on a picnic, ride a bicycle, go for a walk in the park. Or, take them out to lunch, to a tea room/craft show, or to the mall. Or maybe just watch the birds, go horseback riding, swim, shoot baskets with a neighbor's child.
Offer to exercise with the survivor. Enroll in a water aerobics class or walk the dog. Exercise speeds up a person's metabolism. Endorphins are secreted by the brain which relaxes and calms the survivor. During exercise the mind is cleared so the survivor can begin to see options for the future more clearly. Encourage good nutrition at this time as the tendency is to forget to eat entirely.
I remember reading about someone who simply would not get out of bed. They stayed in their room with all the shades drawn. A good friend went in, opened the curtains, had them get into the shower and she took the survivor out for a special day - a hot air balloon ride.
Bake bread or chocolate chip cookies with the survivor.
Maybe the survivor should consider a pet. Studies have shown that a person's heart rate and blood pressure drop when they pet a dog. In another study, senior citizens with dogs had fewer doctor visits than those without dogs.
Pray with the survivor. Encourage them to pray. My favorite poem, author unknown, goes like this: "I woke up early one morning and started right into the day. I had so much to accomplish I didn't take time to pray. Troubles kept mounting about me And heavier came each task, I wondered why God didn't help me. He answered, "you didn't ask."
Avoid broken promises...
"Let's do lunch..." or "I'll come over sometime..." or "We'll go shopping sometime..." Instead, schedule a date and time to "do" lunch, etc. Then call the day before to see if they feel up to it.
Additional help available...
If your friend/loved one has lost a spouse, contact AARP's Grief and Loss program (formerly called Widowed Persons Service). They have one-to-one outreach volunteers trained to visit with and assist the newly widowed person during their time of loss. (Or perhaps you would like to be trained as an outreach volunteer.) Check the Compassion Connection website http://www.compassionconnection.org Go to the Compassionate Links page and double click on AARP's Grief and Loss program and it will take you to that site. (Tell others about Compassion Connection and the many resources contained therein.)
Laughter doeth good like a medicine...
There will come a time when you will want to help the survivor to be able to laugh again. This is very scriptural. The scriptures say in Proverbs 17:22, "Laughter doeth good like a medicine." Help the survivor to learn to laugh again. - Oftentimes the survivor will find they become error prone or they do not believe some of the things they say and do.
Encourage the survivor to laugh at their mistakes. We all make them, for example, the following mistakes were taken from church bulletins or excuse notes from parents in a school district: "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper." and "A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow." and "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins." and "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." and "Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak."
Survivor volunteer opportunities...
There will come a time when you can encourage the survivor to do something kind for someone they know. Senior centers need volunteers to deliver meals to the homebound. Habitat for Humanity needs volunteers. Hospitals and nursing homes need volunteers. It is possible to "encourage" the survivor, without actually "giving advice", by sharing things that have benefited others who have been through similar circumstances.
Additional resources...
For additional ideas on helping others read, "Am I Losing It?" another article on Compassion Connection.
If the survivor you are helping has a computer, show them how to access Compassion Connection and our Compassionate Links page. http://www.compassionconnection.org If they do not have a computer, you can print out some of these pages for them.
Epilogue...
Your friend or loved one is forever changed. It will never be like it was before. Let them know that the good news is that God uses broken things... broken pieces. Read "Chosen in the Furnace" on Compassion Connection.
What's the greatest gift you can give the survivor? Allow God to use you in a ministry of mending broken pieces by offering the survivor the gift of the ministry of presence by just being there for them and being a good listener, admitting, "I don't know how you feel, but I care that you hurt."
