Words for Loss

by Gwen Rockwood ©

Used with permission

Reprinted from Northwest Arkansas Times in Fayetteville, Ark

Even the thought of people grieving used to scare me. I hadn't experienced that kind of loss before and I never knew what to say or do when faced with people going through it. So I did what many people do. I avoided it, telling myself I was protecting the feelings of the grieving person by not mentioning anything about their loss. I talked about other small things and ignored the elephant named "Grief" sitting in the middle of the room.

But what I've learned in the past two months since my brother's sudden death is that talking about loss and grief is one of the most compassionate things we can do for people we know.

Consider the following some suggested "words for loss" for those times when you find yourself at a loss for words. I've learned these words and acts of compassion from the hundreds of people and readers who have comforted me and my family since Greg's death.

Make a contact. Go for the visit. Make the phone call. Send the card or note.

It will be hard, but this is not the part of life that's supposed to be easy. One of the blessings we experienced following my brother's death was visits and calls, not only from close family and friends, but also from people we hadn't talked to in years. Suddenly the passage of time didn't matter. They came and called and wrote when we needed them most.

One of my mother's friends admitted to driving up and down our street countless times before finding the strength to stop and see the pain she'd find at our front door. But she did come in and talked a little, listened a lot and cried some, too. She even managed to coax my mother into eating a bite of one of the many casseroles that had accumulated in our kitchen. It wasn't easy for her to see my mother in pain. She did it anyway. She made contact.

Share something. Believe it or not, there are actually many gifts you can give someone who's grieving -- the most important of which is your prayers.

There were moments in the days immediately following Greg's death when I felt this strange sense of calm and peace, as did my parents. We know this feeling was a direct result of all the prayers being said for us by so many.

Some of the people who visited shared a special scripture that had helped them through a loss in their own family. Others shared books and poems that had comforted them.

Perhaps some of the kindest things you can share are your stories and memories of the one who has died. The night after my brother's death, his best friend Steve wrote the story of a practical joke Greg once played on some co-workers. My brother was so alive in the words of that story, and we must have re-read those handwritten pages at least 30 times a day.

Hearing stories from his friends allowed us to know Greg even more than we     already did.

If you're visiting a grieving family but didn't personally know the one who died, ask questions. Family members not only like to hear stories, they like to share them, it's a myth that those who are grieving don't want to talk about it. They not only want to, they need to. And you can get to know a person even after he or she has died because the best parts of us live on in the people we've touched.

Bring it up. One of the cruel realities of grief is how quickly life gets back to normal. In the days and weeks following Greg's death, I remember thinking how ludicrous it felt to do routine things like take a shower, brush my teeth, put on socks. How could I possibly keep doing normal, ordinary things when suddenly nothing about life seemed normal and ordinary anymore? Then a few weeks after the funeral, I realized people had gradually stopped bringing up his name. This part of the process is particularly hard because it feels as if you're losing that person all over again.

So don't be afraid to keep bringing things up and sharing memories. I'm always relieved and grateful when someone asks how I'm doing and acknowledges that grief doesn't' end a week after the funeral.

Above all, remember it's not necessary to be perfect in your attempts to comfort those suffering through loss. You don't need the ideal words. All that's really needed is compassion, open arms and prayers for healing. God will do the rest.

 

 

 

Gwen Rockwood © is a freelance columnist.

              Special thanks to Gwen Rockwood for giving us permission to use this article                                 on Compassion Connection.

 

                   

Background Music - "His Eye is on the Sparrow"